After my two-part article on why women have sex, I
received several messages from readers who were
interested in knowing quite the opposite, why women
don't want to have sex.One guy said if it was true
that women have sex for all the reasons mentioned,
then, they have enough reasons to have sex almost every day. Another wanted to know why once
married, most women lose interest in sex and all they
do is find excuses for their lack of interest. He went on
to postulate that if women gave enough sex to their
husbands, then they would be less tempted to cheat
on them. I told him I did not totally agree with that position. How does one determine the quantity of sex
that a partner needs to be satisfied? Having sex with a
partner every time it is demanded does not mean that
the sex is satisfactory or that it will hold him down.
Even the most beautiful vaginas have been cheated
on and it is hardly all of the time that sex is the reason for cheating. besides, lack of interest in sex is not
limited to the female partner alone. Like it or not, men
also do lose interest in sex with their partners and are
partly responsible for their women's lack of interest
in sex sometimes too. I thought we could run through
some of the reasons women often do not want sex; from the commonly given reasons to less talked about
emotional and psychological inhibitors.
*Always, communication tops my list in all
relationships. If the communication is good, the two
way channels are open and fluid, there is trust and
honesty on both sides, the first hurdle has already
been conquered. Lack of adequate and meaningful
communication is a key problem in relationships and it affects both partners. Often times, couples can't
honestly discuss their sexual preferences. A number
of men force theirs on their women, while the women
find it difficult to turn them down or insist on how they
want the sex performed. Another common error on
the part of women is that they assume that their man must figure out how to provide good sex that they will
enjoy without them having to spell things out. We
forget that guys are human and lack the powers to
read minds.
*Medical and psychological issues may often result in
loss of sexual desires. In a study carried out by Dr.
Edward Laumann of the Medical Centre, University of
Chicago which are published in the New England
Journal of Medicine, 47 percent of women suffer
sexual dysfunction compared to 31 percent of men. Also, 43 percent women reported low libido, 34
percent were unable to reach orgasm and 39 percent
had vagina dryness problems. Some of the reasons
listed for these include medical conditions such as
diabetes, thyroid disease, anaemia, hormonal
disorder, pregnancy and childbirth, menopause, hysterectomy, Vaginal disorder such as Vaginismus
or Biathlon's cysts, lack of sensation due to
decrease muscle tone in the vagina, aging, obesity, or
medical problems that affect the sex hormones,
(estrogen and testosterone) among others. Emotional,
physical or psychological issues such as low self esteem, bad body image, stressful lifestyle,
depression, anxiety and sexual abuse.
Female sexual dysfunction according to Cindy Meston,
a Psychology Professor from the University of Texas,
is characterised by a lack of desire, libido and orgasm
and it affects about one-third of women at some point
in their lives. Still wondering why some women often
don't want sex?
*The psychological composition of the two sexes are
quite different. Women are more emotionally involved
in sex while it is more physical for men. While men
think about the places to have sex, women think more
about the reasons to have sex. Sometimes, if a
woman is not convinced of the need to have sex, she is likely to turn a guy down. God or bad, some women
think of sex as a reward versus punishment process.
If the guy has been good to them, then he deserves a
treat, otherwise, he can stew for a while to get his
priorities right.
*This next one might seem over flogged but it is true
nonetheless. The daily routine of life may sometimes
be so overwhelming that sex is removed off the front
burner of important issues of life.
After all, who has ever paid for goods and services
with sex all the time? Even a prostitute has to part with money at some point if she wants to get things
done. Pressure from work, taking care of the children
and the house, financial issues and juggling to make
ends meet, family and in-law pressure all can take its
toll on anyone, this time guys inclusive. God forbid if
there are special challenges involved, eg, a special need child, loss of job or a medical challenge. Pressure
and stress from these situation often override the
need for sex, which is often seen as a pleasure ride by
women rather than a need.
*Sexual incompatibility is another problem. This could
mean that one partner desires or need to have sex
more often than the other, or one does not have need
for it at all. yes, there are people who are asexual and
have no interest in sexual activities. It is obvious that
sexually incompatible partners will have problems in their relationship. Sometimes, a loss of affection might
be a reason. A sexual relationship must be full of
intimacy. There must be regular touching, hugging,
kissing, endearments, gifts, (they don't have to be
expensive) dates, (even after marriage). Often times,
couple simply settle into a routine after getting married. For some men, the reason could be that once
the courtship period is over, it is time to settle into real
life situation of home and family building, the monkey
business is over. so, they no longer create time and
attention to do all those things they did to woo their
spouses in the first place. Women also have been known to become complacent with their men,
believing that with the ring now on their finger, the
man is theirs and have nowhere to go. The premarital
sex and over flowing show of affection and love was
to hook him to them or negotiate a ring on their
fingers.
Though sex might not actually be the most important
part of marriage, it is the oil that lubricates the wheel
that moves a relationship and so, its importance
cannot be undermined.
Sex may not become a problem until one of the
partners begin to complain about it.
