Nollywood filmmaker and self-
proclaimed culture critic
Charles Novia says there should
be no fuss about international
stars who have big butts,
because African women are
naturally endowed will theirs
are usually artificial. He
explains that Nicki Minaj, Kim
Kardashian and Jennifer Lopez
should be jealous of Mercy
Johnson, Yvonne Okoro and a
lot of African women –
especially Yoruba women.
Read his piece below.
I know the hidden agenda of
Kim Kardashian, Nikki Minaj
and Jennifer Lopez. Yes, I
know.
These ladies are jealous of
Mercy Johnson, Yvonne Okoro
and one of my female relatives
in the village.
Na today real Black women don
dey get Big Yansh? Why the
sudden obsession with Kim
Kardashian’s butt by the
Western World? Ehn?
And the funny thing is, oyinbo
women are now getting butt
transplants while those who
can’t afford it are using butt
pads, or Yansh Pads as we term
it here sometimes.
Now, this is the humour when it
comes to Nigerian and perhaps
African women. When God
made the African woman, he
might have taken an extra rib
from Adam to bless the African
women in most parts of the
continent. That is why South
African women have….
(*speechless)
Narrowing it down to Nigeria
and the ethnic groups, it is
debatable but research has
shown that Yoruba ladies just
might have the biggest butts in
Nigeria. I am likely to concur
with this because ever since I
was born and all the years I
was growing up, the only
images of Yoruba women I
could remember from the
black and white music clips of
those days and Owambe
Parties, were images of some
bad a*s conservative butt
shaking which never got one’s
parents incensed enough to
switch off the television lest we
got ‘spoilt’ but would sooner
ask us to close our eyes when
images of oyinbos kissing came
on the screen.
In fact, when I first watched a
clip of Fela Kuti’s stage
performance in 1977 or 1978
on NTV ( as it was called then),
it wasn’t the ‘shakara, shakara’
chorus he was singing which
caught my fancy. It was the
unbridled butt shaking of his
dancing girls which tormented
my poor, young innocent soul
for years.
Then, Charly Boy came in 1987,
with his outrageous music
video, ‘Big Bottom’ and not
even the morally-correct NTA
could ban it off the airwaves
then even with the tempting
close-ups of women with Big
Yanshes in that video. Then one
lady singer called Uche Ibeto
released a video titled ‘Jigida’
where she did some
provocative butt shaking as she
screamed in a simulated moan
‘ligiligi, ligiligi, sha, sha, sha! ‘.
And no one banned that video
then because it ‘projected an
African dance’.
Back to the meat of my story,
today’s fashion is a conspiracy
to ensure that Butt-om Power
will keep on ruling. Everything
with women’s fashion seems to
bring out the shape of their
butts these days. And the Kim
Ks and Nikki Minajs are there
to help you out, if you have any
doubts.
Sadly, in Nigeria, I am told that
Butt Pads for ladies are in high
demand in the market. Why?
Because many young ladies
want to have butts like Kim
Kardashian.
I need to ask why an African
lady would want to put on
artificial pads on what has
naturally been padded from
heaven. Because of Kim?
Fela Kuti did sing that the
African People’s problems start
from the back. ‘Na from BACK
yioooooo’.
Don’t get me wrong. I
appreciate butt. Good butt. And
for those who got it among the
ladies, thank God for
‘butt’ering your bread. But
when butts are being used now
as weapons of distraction,
Houston, we have a problem!
Why did I write this satire
today? Two days ago, at Garki 2,
a young lady with well-formed
hips came out of a building and
stood by the road to flag down
a taxi. I tell you, Kim K has
nothing on this woman’s butt
and I wasn’t looking at her o. I
was humming Tisha Cobbs
‘Break Every Chain’ when I saw
her. The next thing I knew, an
SUV rammed me from behind.
Gbosa!
A well-dressed young man
came out and apologised
profusely as I looked at my
dented rear bumper. Whilst
apologising, he kept glancing at
the young lady a few metres
away.
‘Mr Man!’ I said, ‘before Yansh
will kill you, go and meet that
girl and take her contacts so
that you will know that the bills
you will pay for fixing my dent
will be worth it!’
The Guy nor slack. He went to
the Lady and a couple of
minutes later, they both walked
back to his SUV.
I don’t care to know what went
down with him and the
endowed lass but all I know is
that I have a new rear bumper
at his expense which was fixed
yesterday.
Obviously that kind of person
would not care to pay for
bumpers. What with the way
he rammed my car from
behind, it doesn’t take much
imagination to visualise the
other types of ramming he
loves doing behind closed
doors.
